(illustration by Nan Lawson)
If you were to ask any of my friends from highschool and college if I would be the first to get married, there would probably be a unanimous, “oh hell no.” And so you guessed it… miss little feminist, serial dater, afraid of commitment (me) was the first. Sam and I have a crazy story, but in short we met two weeks before graduation, we fell for each other pretty hard, I went away to Guatemala for a supposed five months but then came back four months early, and two weeks after my return we had packed my dad’s Chevy Blazer and decided to move to the east coast together. There was no rhyme or reason, we just decided to do it. But I will tell you this, if you want to test the strength of any relationship, including a fresh budding one, I highly recommend packing up your car with all your possessions and moving across country or overseas with no plan. You will quickly learn each other’s true colors and how your significant other deals with some of the highest moments of stress. For us it worked and spontaneity is pretty much how are relationship has functioned ever since.
Three years later we got married in the beautiful city of Cartagena, Colombia, and committed the rest of our lives to each other. That being said, it has not been smooth sailing at all times. You have your ups and downs and each of you is human so it is to be expected and respected. For this blogger confession I decided to reflect on a few key lessons I have learned about marriage our first 18 months.
First, you know when you are in college and you meet someone new at a party, usually one of the first questions you are asked is, “What is your major?” Or you move to a city like DC and the first question a stranger asks you is “Where are you from and where do you work?” Well when you get married the omnipresent question you will be asked over and over again your first months is, “So does it feel different now that you are married?” And honestly you think it doesn’t, especially if you lived with the person before. Those first few months I answered no, and said it felt the same, and now I just have been dubbed with the nickname “wifey”. And then one day it will fricken’ smack you in the face and you realize, holy moly this is different. This is CRAZY different. I just made this huge commitment, a deep commitment, and I am married! I can’t explain how or why it feels different, but it does. And it is not a bad thing. It is actually is a great thing, but just be prepared to not be able to explain why it is different. Just embrace that change and all its glory.
The second thing I have learned about marriage is how incredibly important communication is. We all communicate differently and being married is figuring out how to communicate with each other in a way that lends to a healthy and positive relationship. I will give you two very poignant examples about how Sam and I have learned to communicate better with each other.
When Sam is having issues and he comes home to vent, I automatically want to solve the issue. I want to develop a plan and create lists (typical Gemini) and I want to help him resolve the situation so that he feels better. Sam does not work like that in this particular case, and resolution is not what he is seeking when he is venting. He just wants someone to listen to him. Naturally he would get frustrated by me pushing these lists on to him and I would get frustrated because I thought he was not trying to come up with a plan to change his situation. What did this mean– usually a debacle of some sort. It took several of these debacles before I realized that Sam, at that moment just needed my support and me to lend an ear. There are times when he needs me to brainstorm with him, but that is not every time. So now Sam prefaces his moments where he needs to vent with, “Babe I just need to vent and you to listen.” And sometimes he forgets, and I usually ask, “Babe is this one of those moments where you just need to vent and only need me to listen, or are we brainstorming here.” This simple, but important preface, has allowed us to make sure we are on the same page, so that a critical moment of support does not turn into a negative experience.
Another communication issue we have worked on fervently is being respectful of each other’s needs when we are about to get to the point of a fight. This sounds crazy and impossible, because fighting is basically the opposite of being respectful, but I think we kind of have figured it out and I am pretty proud of us. So what does this mean? Well we both now recognize when we are at the point of contention where it could either go downhill quick or where we can take a u-turn to Respectful Land. How do I know? Usually my heart starts beating super fast, I turn a little red in the cheeks, and I shut down. Yes, little Ms. Problem Solver, quickly shuts down to something we have now dubbed as “ice queen.” What can I say, I am a Gemini, we have multiple personalities. And Sam is the one in the relationship who wants to resolve the point of contention quickly. He keeps pushing and I keep pushing away. This just usually ends up in a whole heap of messiness. Now we have this whole routine that we put into action when we get to this point. Sam gives me twenty minutes or so to shut down and gather myself, and I respect Sam by talking about the issue, rather than ignoring it, once my heart rate has come down to a normal level. We are human so to say we now never fight would be ridic. It happens, but really not that often or at a point where it can become so hurtful to each other.
I cannot emphasize enough how working out these type of communication misgivings has been good for us as a couple and individuals. What is most important for me is that we did not figure out all of this on our own. A lot of this we figured out with the guidance and support of our parents and other wise adults whose relationships we admired. When we decided to take that serious next step and commitment, we decided that we are going to try to get all our ish resolved so that we could have the best marriage possible. We wanted to start this exciting journey on the strongest foot possible. I mean when you are living in a society where the divorce rate is past 60% why would you want anything different for you and your soul mate? Plus we all know that we cannot get through most monumental moments in our life alone, so why should marriage be different?
I know that there are those rare couples that probably do not go through these issues, but to be honest I do not want to be that couple. Being with Sam and doing this together has made me a better person and more importantly it has made me want to be a better person for him. And as cheesy as this is (I gave you a fair warning), I do feel like I am falling in love with him more and more each time we go through moments like this. Why? Because I know I have a husband who eagerly wants to work on these issues with me so we can have the best relationship that works for us. I could never ask for anything more and I am so thankful to have a husband and soul mate that pushes me, challenges me, and supports me in every way possible.
I would definitely welcome anymore tidbits of wisdom on the subject, as I know I still have much to learn! What have you learned about marriage?
And check out the other bloggers who are dishing out confessions on relationships at Apollinas, High Fashion 4 Less, Web Haute Jes, andJulip Made.
Katalina
*Blogger Confessions is a new series that a few bloggers in the DC area have decided to participate in. It hopes to capture the multifacted lives that many bloggers live in, but sometimes is not highlighted in our blogs. In short we are trying to go beyond the pretty pink shoes and share a side of us that you often don’t see, and we do not want to start a whole new blog to share!
You can check out our first confessions about our careers here.
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